toddler's note: the chicken, the egg, and the braverest pig

i'd like to solve a mystery i've been faced with. see, papa tells me on a daily basis that mama is a cow. so all this while i've assumed that she is indeed a cow. however, mama bought me some picture books recently, and showed me what a cow looks like. and insists that she isn't a cow. so i got to thinking, who's the lying asshole that's inconsiderate enough to lie to an infant?! blardy hell we're like the most innocent shit in the whole wide world. but whatever. they think i don't know shit? well i'm gonna show them shit. i'm gonna solve it.

so i've drawn two sketches... one of a cow, and one of a mama. we are gonna take a journey towards discovering who the lying asshole is by tearing down the signs and symptoms of being a total and complete cow.

first, we have the cow language. according to my picture books, a cow goes moo. so i compared that to mama's speaking language, and though they're both reasonably similar in sound, the mama goes poo instead of moo. so no points for mama being a cow on this one.

then there's the fat issue. cows are supposedly rather robust in size, so i compared the shape and size of a cow to mama's, and the result? - they're equally fat and flabby. so one point for mama being a cow.

and then comes the fart factor. everybody knows that a cow's fart is so deadly that it can single-handedly cause global warming considering that they release methane gas in their farts. so i observed mama's farts for a few days, and noticed that while they're loud and proud, they linger no more than five exasperating, albeit short, minutes. so no points here for mama being a cow.

last but not least, we have THE UDDER TRUTH! yes, cows have an amazingly yummy amount of nipples, and mama , sadly, only has two crappy ones. talk about lack of variety man. so no points here, too.

now we calculate the results. in total, mama only received one point for being a cow. in my books that ain't a cow. and after going through all my research, i'm kinda disappointed that she isn't a cow. in fact, she's downright boring. with a cow i could make milkshakes that bring the boys to the yard. but then again, why would i need to bribe smelly boys with milkshakes? the only shake they'd need to crawl all around me is my bootayyy. damn right, it's better than yours.

and that, dear readers, concludes today's lesson. thank you.